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Women's friendships

I just had a phone call from a German journalist who is writing an article about friendships. She asked me about the differences between women's and men's friendships and I found it a bit difficult to answer without just enumerating common prejudices.

What do you think - is there a general difference between our friendships and those of men? Or is it all much ado about nothing and friendships are all the same?

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Permalink Reply by Sheetal on July 15, 2008 at 12:24pm: I have observed that when men meet up with their buddies over a drink or to catch a game of basketball, they also bond, apart from having great time together. As far as women go, I feel that we could be hanging out with some friends who we’re not very close with, over a cup of coffee or a movie, but when it comes to forging that special bond, it usually happens when we confide our problems and lesser known aspects of our lives with our closest and oldest of friends. For example, I have a different set of friends who I hang out with over a cup of coffee on a weekly basis, since they live close to my house, and are relatively free. I share a great rapport with them. But it’s not the same as my close bond with my oldest friend, who I’m not able to meet that often, because she lives very far off, and is very busy. But we have never ending conversations on the phone, and though I may not be spending so much time in person with her as much as with my hangout buddies, the bond with her is deeper. So for a woman the quality of association, the degree of familiarity with a person, the duration for which a person has been in our lives and the mutual sharing of personal lives can really define a friendship. I can’t say very clearly about men. You would have to ask them. But my guess is that women take longer to form a deep friendship, whereas men can become very good friends with someone they’ve just met and hit it off with. They can start sharing their lives with a remarkable ease with another man they’ve just met and seem to get along great with. For a woman it takes longer to trust another woman, especially with details of her personal life and about the issues that really matter to her.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by nalini on July 28, 2008 at 11:53am: I don't think there's much difference between men and women when it comes to friendships, except that women in general feel, or made to feel, that their families come before friendships, which restricts their interactions with friends. For instance, many married women who have children, rarely go on trips with friends leaving the children behind whereas many men, without the slightest feeling of guilt, will leave the children to be cared for by their wives and go on trips with their friends. Since many married women have to spend more time on their children, they have little time to spend on friends (or even other relations); with little time to spend together, it takes time to understand each other and develop a deep friendship.
I have one good friend who shares most of my interests (and nourishes me intellectually, I'd say) and who I know is there for me no matter what happens. Then there's another group of friends who join me for a snack or a trip or a chat because they're more available due to their job and other conditions. It's fun to be with them ; we help each other but we don't always share the same values. Some times I actively seek their company, so to say. Then there's another group who meet at the temple, discuss religion and spiritual matters. Still another group who, when we meet, are quite good friends but without much of a deep bond.
My brother who is single lives with me and we are close to each other. Like I do, he has 2 good friends, whose friendship is deep, more of a brotherhood and who have many similarities. Then he has another group with whom he chats/eats out because they happen to spend more time with him- either work with him or are free to hang around. Still another set to discuss spiritual matters and another wider range who're friendly when they meet but not beyond that.
So, I think it's the same pattern whether we're males or females. The differences lie in the prioritizing and time available for each of us; How deep the friendship goes depends on how compatible we are with each other rather than our sex.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Sheetal on July 28, 2008 at 12:55pm: Yes Nalini, you are right. What you are saying is making sense. I seemed to have perceived wrongly. I don't have a brother, so I couldn't have made a very accurate observation. I mean if you have a brother and you watch him growing up around you in the same house, its easier to observe a boy's behaviour closely and compare it with your own. You have a valid point when you say that the depth of the friendship depends on the compatibility factor rather than the sex, and in that respect I do agree with you. I seemed to have judged wrongly. And I also agree when you say that women put family before friends and have to spend a lot more time than men on raising their children, hence the time left for nurturing a friendship may not be as much as a man may have. That is a pertinent point.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Felicitas Heyne on July 28, 2008 at 1:03pm: Yes, that's a pertinent point, I also agree. When I just quickly scan my circle of friends, I only find one woman who regularly goes on weekend trips with girl friends (and even this one decreased the number of such trips very much since she gave birth to her second child). However, I count many, many men among them who go on biking or hiking or fishing or whatever trips with their male friends, no matter whether they have kids or wives or both or not. This prioritizing is still very strong in our behaviour, although we are "modern" women, isn't it? But I've never really realized it from this point of view before - so thanks for sharing this idea, nalini!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by nalini on July 28, 2008 at 4:16pm: I grew up in a family of 2 brothers and two sisters and two uncles close to our age and our house was filled with friends; many of the male friends used to stay at our place for months. Now I'm a single woman in mid thirties, which is uncommon in this country, and since most of my friends are married, I get to observe them a lot. I'm free to visit them, and to help with their day to day issues, unlike their married friends,so I see how life is like for them. My brother's friends stay at my place even if he's not at home, we go out together and are very close. We discuss about friends and relationships so I know how my bro and his friends feel about the issues.
Talking about priorities, I had a hard time taking one of my married friends to a movie-I don't think she could enjoy it fully since she was feeling so guilty about spending 3 hours away from kids-after spending 10 years on them and while her husband frequently takes tours away from home. I didn't try again!
Yesterday the colleagues from my previous work place went on a trip and this is the first time that many of the ladies took part; Whenever we went out, even for a single day, I was the only woman (apart from the consultant who is a widow) and the males, all married, had no problem in joining in, even when their spouse/kids were ill. Even yesterday, one lady didn't come because her 3year old was ill but a guy whose child was also ill, did join in and enjoyed well. However, on way back, they all bought sweets for kids-that was evidently sufficient family responsibility for them.
But my elder brother, and one of my male colleagues at least, give priority to family. He brought his wife and kids. And my elder brother used to travel daily to Colombo and back to Kandy, (3-4 hours journey one way) for 4 years because he wanted to watch his daughter grow. So it's not every male, but the majority.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Vilia on July 30, 2008 at 1:29pm: I think general difference would be more on the process rather than the bound.
I found that men having a relationship by doing things and activities together. Whenever they have the same or mutual activities, hobbies, visions and many more, they will be friends, and the higher of similar stuff between them, the higher their friendship level. The more time they spend together, the more they get closer.

While women usually having a relationship by sharing their feelings and talking. Though we have same activities together, if we are not talking to each other and not sharing, we would not be friends. Only acquaintances. And it has a little thing to do with time that we spend with each other, as Nalini said.

That's why two men could sit still calmly and quietly without talking and feel getting closer as a friend, while women will feel a bit awkward to sit still calmly and quietly without talking to each other, and not to mention one of them will think the other may get mad of her plus starting to feel not comfortable.

Just a thought. What do you think?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Felicitas Heyne on July 31, 2008 at 11:03am: I just had to laugh out loud - yes, you're right! And the best proof for it: You'll NEVER find to women sitting side by side at a lake fishing, in silence for hours! NEVER and NOWHERE in the world! I bet! ;-); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Vilia on August 8, 2008 at 10:08pm: OMG you're so right. Hahaha...can't even imagine that. Yeah so true. I didn't notice it though there are so many scenes where I saw two men sitting side by side at a lake fishing in silence! LOL.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Allissa on April 1, 2009 at 2:58pm: I think when a women has a best friend as a man, that she still dresses nice to impress him, i think its just natural. Just like mating in nature. dont know where that came from..haha.. I think men are always thinking about "one thing", if the best friend is a girl.

When a woman's best friend is a girl, she don't care as much, i know my own insucurity's, i dress better than all my friends i try to look better so if there is a guy we see, I get "hit on" first...i don't no if other women do that. also, i think woman trust other woman more because of all the streotypes about men.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Crystal on April 23, 2009 at 1:26am: With me, I have a very strong independent nature.
When I am with girlfriends I feel like mother hen, I must protect them at all costs.
When I'm with my guy friends, I can relax and not have to worry about whether they're ok or not.
Generally it seems men with men and women with women are almost always competing with each other.
Men seem to be able to bond with each other without discussing their feelings.
Women seem to need to discuss their feelings with each other in order to bond.; ▶ Reply to This