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Where does unfaithfulness start?
I'd like to know your points of view: What does it take to make you feel betrayed when being in a relationship? A flirt, a kiss, some snogging or more? Where is the line for you? Would it make a difference to you if the unfaithfulness of your partner was "virtual" (say cybersex or online flirts) or a "real" bit on the side?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Scorpio on -
Hi Jamila, that is pretty much what I want to say in my post. I completely agree with you. Scorpio
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Permalink Reply by connie idol on -
i hope you read my story felicitas and give me some tips that i never heard,.have a nice weekends
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Permalink Reply by Felicitas Heyne on -
Yes, I read it, Connie, and I feel very sorry for your pain and sorrow. You want to have a tip? Well, I think it's difficult to give you one, however one thing crossed my mind: How long ago has this been? A day, a week, a month, a year? You know, as long as you cling to your pain and anger and hurt feelings, you still allow this man to control your life and your soul and your heart - and he doesn't deserve it, Connie! He proved himself to be a real big, coward asshole who doesn't deserve you. He didn't deserve you as long as you were together, and he even less deserves you now that you're apart. So don't allow him to still hold the power about your thoughts and your feelings! Every hour, every day and every week you feel the way you do about him is a gift for him - don't give him any more!
You know, you should find kind of a ritual act for yourself to really break up with him and to throw him out of your life. Write him a letter once again telling him how much he hurt you and telling him that you won't stay under his spell any longer now. Don't send it to him. Instead, collect whatever you may have left as souvenirs of this time (maybe photos or letters from him or something he left in your flat). Decide how you want to get rid of all that: burn it or bury it or throw it into a river flushing it away. Do this in a very serious, concentrated way. Allow yourself to go through all your emotions one last time again while doing so: embrace the pain and the desperation and the disappointment and the fear and the sadness you felt - and then let it go with the wind that will take away the smoke and the ashes, or with the earth that will cover all this and keep it forever, or with the water washing away all those feelings from your soul.
If you've got a really good (female) friend, ask her to do this together with you - usually one or more witnesses make this ritual even more powerful and healing. And find a final sentence for yourself, kind of a motto for the new start after, something like: "I'll live a happy life, full of real love from now on!" Remember: living a wonderful life is the best revenge!
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Permalink Reply by Amber Evon on -
I think their are many kinds of unfaithfulness. Unfaithfulness in the mind, unfaithful thoughts, actions, wants...but I also believe if the person is truly sorry they should be given a second chance. Things happen in life that we can't explain...some bad and some good. Some hurt us, and some hurt others. But in our paths that cross and intertwine, we make mistakes and we learn by them. Everyone deserves as many chances as you think they are worth. For some its only two, for others it's countless times.
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Permalink Reply by Emina on -
That's great if you can do that.. I'm a very tolerant person but I know, that that's just something I could never forgive... I have principals :) and rules.. and if i can stick by them so can he.. if he can't, then we just go our seperate ways.. Everyone's different.. that's why you try and look for the person who shares the same views and values as you do.. and I don't think or should I say believe that everyone learn's from their mistakes, I know plenty of people who keep making the same mistakes over and over again... The fact is, you are completely aware of what you're doing in that moment.. and you have a choice, either you act on it or you walk away.. it's that simple..there's no excuses :)
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Permalink Reply by Allissa on -
I think it would hurt me deeply to see my man doing anything with another women, because then i feel like i'm not good enough for him. I don't think it will work if i had a man with a wandering eye, i think every guy has one, but i would rather my man be more tactful when he wanders...
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Permalink Reply by Corrina on -
I've come back to this topic several times and read everything people had to post on this topic. I've found 1 common thing among all of it. That if you're man is unfaithful you feel you're not good enough or doing enough. I have a HUGE problem with that. Why is it that when your man has been unfaithful you feel like it is your fault? Are you the one that was unfaithful? No. Are you the one that crossed that line? No. So, how is it you're fault? It's not!!! You can not govern other people's actions, only your own. If you were true to the other person in the relationship and they were unfaithful then they let you down and failed you. If they didn't feel you were giving them something then they should have come to you and tried to work it out. Instead, they were unfaithful and never gave a thought to how it would hurt you. Let's open our eyes and take the rose colored glasses off here. When the other half is unfaithful 99.99% of the time it IS NOT your fault. Stop blaiming yourself for the actions of someone else.
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Permalink Reply by jfruit620 on -
I believe unfaithfulness starts when stuff gets into your head. Like when you watch TV, you see this happy relationship and think, 'Why aren't we like that? What's the problem in this relationship?' Or maybe you see an unhappy couple and start to pick out the similarities in your relationship, then you'd think,' We are unhappy just like them.' At one point you might ask yourself,"Is he not pleased with me? Is he looking for something else to please him?"
Once these thoughts start they don't stop until something sparks up the love. Until that happens, thinking of an unhappy relationship makes you unhappy. And when your partner sees you are unhappy, he starts getting those thoughts, too. Then discussions start and the REAL problems come through.You become cautious of everything he does until he wants a break of the fights. Thats when all the drama will start. So remember to be happy and make him happy.
I say virtual and real unfauithfulness are both inappropriate. They can destroy a relationship in a snap. Unless he proves to you he loves YOU, not the girls he's been with or flirted with virtually.
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Permalink Reply by Gigs on -
How can confessing ever lead to making it all o.k?? It just doesn't. Something is missing in a relationship if one starts looking elsewhere - it is a question of commitment. Period. There are always opportunities, justifications for straying (moment of passion - got carried away - what's wrong- etc) but one just does not do it cos one is committed for life and this has to be internalised. Discuss this with your partner and AGREE on this and there will be no straying and no heartbreak. This goes for online romances tooo.
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Permalink Reply by Crystal on -
Well, I've had married friends that were swingers and they were quite happy. It worked for them. I think the lines need to be drawn at the beginning of the relationship, whatever they are. If one person thinks that they cannot live by the drawn lines anymore then they need to be discussed. If a line is crossed even a little bit, they need to be discussed. If a compromise can not be made then they need to go their separate ways. If either of us are not comfortable discussing our feelings or thoughts on a matter with each other then there is a much deeper problem than that of unfaithfulness. If I have a thought of "wow, I'd like to boink that guy", I sit back and think about why. Is it because we're having problems at home that need to be handled or is the guy just that fantastic looking. Either way, if I have a thought that I might not be able to trust myself alone with someone, then I make an extra effort to not be alone with that person. I expect the same respect from whoever I'm in a relationship with.
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Permalink Reply by Curious on -
To me I feel the line is touching, and the conversations or certain phrases used in the conversation. For instance if another female touched my fiance and he obviously enjoyed the touch sat back and didn't say anything showing he didn't enjoy it then there's a problem. When it comes to conversation if my fiance is talking to a girl pal on the phone and she says something to him like " i think your cute", if he comes back to tell me I wouldn't trip out at all. But if comes back to tell me that she said " Your sexy" and he is smiling and he didn't say anything to correct her, I feel that this is being done intentionally and I would then consider there being something other than what he claims there to be going on.
As far as virtual stuff, my fiance has gotten jealous of me having male friends online but I feel that it's unreal. Its online I have never met any of these people so in the end it wouldn't really matter. Plus their friends and they know about him. It's inportant if you have friends of the opposite sex they should know about your partner.
Bottom line infidelity starts from frustration and the couple not working on how the relationship was in the beginning because of laziness or loss of spice or interest.
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