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Where does unfaithfulness start?

I'd like to know your points of view: What does it take to make you feel betrayed when being in a relationship? A flirt, a kiss, some snogging or more? Where is the line for you? Would it make a difference to you if the unfaithfulness of your partner was "virtual" (say cybersex or online flirts) or a "real" bit on the side?

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Permalink Reply by Vilia on June 17, 2008 at 9:15am: To me, it starts inside of our mind. Once we think someone is much more attractive than our partner, then it is a beginning or a way for the unfaithfulness. To me there is no difference whether it is virtual or real. People could really fall in love in virtual world, and no matter what, someone who were chatting with you is a person too. Have feelings etc. :P; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Scorpio on June 22, 2008 at 10:28pm: I think, unfaithfulness starts if I do or think something and I wouldn't have the heart to tell my partner or even worse lie to him. That doesn't mean that I have to tell him everything and I'm not free to have some mysteries but if I have for example a guilty conscience is that a hint for unfaithfulness. There are situations when the only reason not to tell something is to protect the partner respectively not to harm him than it is not inevitably unfaithfullness. For example if there are men who I find more attractive than my partner then I wouldn't go and say to him "this and this and this man is more attractive than you" but if he would ask me if there would exist men who would be more attractive than him I would tell him the truth. Because to me unfaithfulness is keeping something secret I make no difference between the virtual world or reality. To draw a line it is a question of how the realtionship is defined from both sides. For example you could even sleep with someone else if you could talk about it with your partner afterwards and he is free to do so as well. I have yet to define my partnership :-). The main point to me is that you have to be sure that your partner would always tell the truth then unfaithfulness has no chance in a relationship.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jennifer on July 29, 2008 at 8:36am: Being in a relationship, everything must be disclosed to your partner (vice versa) making sure that you're not hiding something or anything,(regardless of its nature). Trust is very important. Love alone is not enough, its trust and acceptance that make them understand, respect and love each other. I felt betrayed if i found out that my boyfriend is keeping secrets from me cause that could only mean he doesn't trust me; and the worst part is when hes cheating on me, thats the time when i can say, "that's it! i had enough!" Unfaithfulness in any form, virtual or real doesn't make any difference, it doesn't chance the fact that you are being unfaithful.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Felicitas Heyne on July 31, 2008 at 5:57pm: Would you really say everything must be disclosed? I'm not sure about that. As far as "destructive" or "dangerous" secrets are concerned (things threatening the relationship), I agree. However, I think that there are other secrets that don't have to be revealed necessarily (and maybe don't even do good in case the are revealed). I think every partner has the right to keep some privacy even within a relationship. There might be things you don't want to share with the one you love, and I think as long as it's nothing that would harm him or her if she or her knew, it's okay to keep it to yourself.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Corrina on December 21, 2008 at 6:13am: Felicitas you're right on this one. There is a lot I don't share with my partner when it comes to my work. He askes me every morning when I get home from work how things went and I always tell him fine or long or something simple. Sometimes I'll even share something funny that happen but that's it. If he knew everytime someone had tried to hit me or cussed me or that I, as a cop, had been scarred on a stop he wouldn't want me to go to work. He worries about me enough every day when I walk out that door to begin with but he understands this is my career and my passion. So, to protect him I keep things from him. It's not being unfaithful. It's simply understanding that he isn't a cop and doesn't know how to deal with the things I deal with and that's ok.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Jamila K. Gaskins on August 5, 2008 at 4:23pm: It starts the minute he can't tell me something. When he feels he has to hide his attraction to someone else. Being attracted to someone else is fine. It's what you do about it that has the potential for problems. I don't mind if he tells me someone else is pretty or funny or interesting. I'm secure in who I am so I have no problem with any of that. I do have a problem if he's having relationship with someone at work, online, at the gym or grocery store and I haven't heard one peep about it. Secrecy always leads to trouble. My rule of thumb is if I can't talk about it later then I shouldn't say it or do it.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Felicitas Heyne on August 5, 2008 at 4:27pm: Yeah, sounds pretty close to what I meant with "destructive" or "dangerous" secrets ..; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Ramona on August 5, 2008 at 11:09pm: Talking about "destructive / dangerous" secrets: I once read an article about relationships respectively about the difference, what it means if a man or a woman is cheating. The end of the story was that if you cheated on your partner, and you know - really KNOW it - that it was only a unique exception, it is not worth bothering your partner with it just to get it off your own conscience. Just to feel better afterwards as you were 'honest' towards your partner (yeah, of course, but only when it was already too late!). Instead, rather keep it a secret and see how to cope with the guilt and the bad conscience on your own.
I am just not sure whether to agree or not with this sight of view ... If you already have committed something that's considered unfaithful, isn't it even more destructive and dangerous to confess it afterwards than not at all - under the condition that you yourself are able to handle your own unfaithfulness pretty well, but your partner is not that good in it?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Felicitas Heyne on August 7, 2008 at 4:54pm: Yes, that's common sense among many psychologists: if you only want to share this secret to get the burden off your own shoulders to those of your partner, then keep your mouth shut! Of course, it's often difficult to decide where the line is. Usually, cheating on your partner means that there's something missing or unbalanced in your relationship. Maybe there's too less "sparkling" left, maybe the relationship is unbalanced regarding giving and taking from each other, maybe there are old wounds left that need revenge .. the reasons can be very different. If so, it's important to find the "root" of the cheating and to eliminate it by changing something within your relationship, otherwise it will happen again. And this usually makes it necessary to talk to your partner and to tell him about your unfaithfulness.

However, there may be situations and/or circumstances that make clear that none of the above applies and that this cheating was a unique, never-will-happen event - whatever these situations or circumstances might be. This would mean: there's nothing that should / could be improved within your relationship by telling your partner. Your confess would only have one effect: he/she would be hurt and you would sleep better, because you relieved your conscience. In such a case: keep your mouth shut and learn to live with your guilt!

In any other cases: Talk!!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by connie idol on August 30, 2008 at 12:43pm: i have experience that unfaithfully of my man,since i caught them,he still denied,and keeps telling that he cannot do that caus that girl have other man and shes engage in that man.so,i believe him,and let myself believe in him that his sincere of his words to me,untel many feedback againts them coming from thier offismate,that thier relation is more open and deeper now,even the isue that the girl is engage.i begin to seek the evedince,an that evedince slap me,coz its true!since the day i have hint,until now its a big true,what will i do,it happen even though shes engage with another man,and my man engage with me.its hurting too much!until now,years past but still hurting..i fucust other things,going out with myfriends but still i cant forgive them..i trust him too much,again,and again.how can i meant my broken trust,you know what,this is my first to open up this isue,coz,i only say this to other that im ok..pretending that im strong,not hurting so bad,but when i see this guy,and tell me to stab him if its the way to forgive him..i will stabbed him 100 times, if only he command me to do so...sorry for long story; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by haille on September 23, 2008 at 10:54am: to 4give someone whos hurt you is not easy especially if you thought you were goin to spend the rest of your life with him.ive bn through that and im still hurtin too and the worst part is we were also engaged i broke off.he is with that other girl now and they live together and i see him often he comes and visits me.i dont want to show him that i still love him but i hope and pray to get over him soon its been 8 months and im still longing for him and i know he still does too but his too proud to show or say anything.hang in there TIME HEALS!!!; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by connie idol on August 30, 2008 at 1:03pm: yah!yah..conscience is only a words,,keep telling that people who cheating thier partner cut off thier relation because they have conscience!!even people who have husband,and wife keeps on cheating thier partners ,is there conscience...stll i dont believe in that..people doing this,the only reason in that because THEY ARE MANIAC!!!
one is not enough to them....will you agree?; ▶ Reply to This