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Love like a man ...
... was the title I read in a women's magazine a few weeks ago. To cut the article below short, here are the four ideas they promoted:
1. Women shouldn't talk about feelings that often, because men feel under pressure when they hear sentences like "We have to talk about our relationship!" or "Do you really love me?" and try to evade as quickly as they can. Women should rather start conversations about topics men are interested in (i.e. rational, practical day-to-day topics like his job, his last tennis match or the book he is just reading).
2. No drama fights! I. e.: No sweeping swipes, no "always/never"-discussions, no stirring up trouble and warming up of old dishes, no throwing of cups or doors, no emotional outbursts with tears and screaming (this one is for the "feelers" among our iPersonic types ... ). Stay calm, stick to facts - to few facts! - concentrate on the prevailing conflict.
3. Plan less, simply enjoy. Don't ask for eternal commitment at an early stage of the relationship or start discussions about possible first names for your first, second and third child. Enjoy the presence instead of thinking (and talking!) about the future.
4. Make (spontaneous) love, not war (and don't wait until the argument is settled, the laundry and the dishes are done.)
I like idea 1, 2 and 4 - I think many of us can learn a bit from the way men act in relationships. Although I would regret if men and women suddenly were all the same ... so it's okay that there are some differences. As far as idea 3 is concerned, I'm not so sure - at least from a certain age on, there's a biological disadvantage on our side. It's easy to live only for the moment when you can have kids as long as you live, right?
What do you think about the four ideas of this article? Do you like them? Despite them? Can we learn something from men - or should we stay as we are?
1. Women shouldn't talk about feelings that often, because men feel under pressure when they hear sentences like "We have to talk about our relationship!" or "Do you really love me?" and try to evade as quickly as they can. Women should rather start conversations about topics men are interested in (i.e. rational, practical day-to-day topics like his job, his last tennis match or the book he is just reading).
2. No drama fights! I. e.: No sweeping swipes, no "always/never"-discussions, no stirring up trouble and warming up of old dishes, no throwing of cups or doors, no emotional outbursts with tears and screaming (this one is for the "feelers" among our iPersonic types ... ). Stay calm, stick to facts - to few facts! - concentrate on the prevailing conflict.
3. Plan less, simply enjoy. Don't ask for eternal commitment at an early stage of the relationship or start discussions about possible first names for your first, second and third child. Enjoy the presence instead of thinking (and talking!) about the future.
4. Make (spontaneous) love, not war (and don't wait until the argument is settled, the laundry and the dishes are done.)
I like idea 1, 2 and 4 - I think many of us can learn a bit from the way men act in relationships. Although I would regret if men and women suddenly were all the same ... so it's okay that there are some differences. As far as idea 3 is concerned, I'm not so sure - at least from a certain age on, there's a biological disadvantage on our side. It's easy to live only for the moment when you can have kids as long as you live, right?
What do you think about the four ideas of this article? Do you like them? Despite them? Can we learn something from men - or should we stay as we are?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by nalini on -
I like idea 3! A couple needs time to learn about the other person, to see their compatibility and develop the environment to discuss their views and individual plans for life. Or to decide whether to live with the guy in the first place.
Why shouldn't a woman talk about her feelings if they are important to us? Everybody admires a mother's love, and hardly her rational thinking or practicalness, unless these traits were based on her love. In a relationship, feelings play an important role. That's what differentiates it from a business deal. So, feelings should be talked about, as well as the practical, rational things. If the talks are limited to only what interests the man that relationship is unbalanced. It leads to long term dis-satisfaction on part of the woman. So idea number one is something that I don't agree to.
Drama fights are not limited to females; it's common to both sexes. Being more muscular and louder, men can shout and beat women; being less restricted, they can talk dirty. Women's reactions include crying usually, which is harmless compared to men's reactions. Yes, this should be controlled, as in idea 2, by both parties.
Making love before settling the argument is not practical because love is not just a physical action. (That is sex, not love.) It involves emotions. If one is hurt, is not respected and cared for by the other, her feelings are regarded less important than his, then there cannot be love. It will be rape. If the laundry and the dishes are shared by the couple, they can wait until after love, but, if it's doing the hard work all alone while the man is comfortably sleeping, dreaming about a washed, ironed shirt, then again it's an unfair deal. Doing the other work may be the practical option even. So, I disagree with idea 4 as well.
No wonder I'm single!
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Permalink Reply by haille on -
I LIKE NUMBER 3,BUT I THINK WE SHOULD STAY THE WAY WE ARE.WE ARE CREATED THIS WAY AND WE SHOULD EMBRACE THIS,WE CANT ALL BE THE SAME OTHERWISE ALL RELATIONSHIPS WILL NOT WORK OUT.WOMEN HAVE A FORGIVING NATURE AND ARE PEACEMAKERS
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Permalink Reply by Corrina on -
I have thought this way for years and have built some great friendships off this advice. You want to watch a man rip the door off it's frame? Talk about your feelings without any warning. Really want to make a man fall apart or shut down? Cry infront of him. They are not wired to deal with this stuff. I have 7 older brothers and anyone of them will tell you they would rather take a bullet than to see a woman cry. Why? Because they feel helpless and men HATE feeling helpless. It goes against their better nature. As for the digging up old news I have never understood why anyone would do that. Does it really matter that he forgot to take the trash out 3 years ago? Ok a little dramatic but you get the point. You don't have to forget that he screwed up and I'm sure he knows he screwed up. I'm sure you told him when he did it the first time. Wounds take forever to heal if you keep picking at them and that is exactly what you are doing if you keep bring up past mistakes. A very important part of a relationship is to forgive the other person. You don't have to forget but you should forgive and by bring the old mistake up in a new fight you're telling the man that you haven't forgiven yet. That hurts if you're a man or a woman. As for spontaneous love making that is almost alway better than planned love making. I have been amazed at how these moments have brought my boyfriend and I close as a couple. I have also heard, more, how he felt about me during these times than any other time during the day. Here is a funny but blunt piece of advice my mother gave me years ago. I have found over the years that sadly, it's true. "God gave men 2 heads and only enough blood to work one at a time." Sad but true.
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Permalink Reply by Felicitas Heyne on -
Well said, Corrina! So what I'd like to discuss is: I agree, most men are not wired to deal with this stuff. But what do you think: can they change it if they want to? Can they learn to deal with it? If not, why not? After all, they're human beings, too, right? And if yes: what do you think it takes to make them learn it?
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Permalink Reply by Corrina on
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Felicitas,
If they truely want to change I believe they can but they have to have a good reason behind it. People are adaptive creatures and can learn to deal with most anything. However, when it comes to relationships women must remember that men have been taught for hundreds of years that they are the care givers and protectors of the family. They are suppose to be the strong ones. It takes a very long time to unteach a lifetime of habits.
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Permalink Reply by Allissa on -
I think all the ideas make a lot of sense, Ive made practically every mistake. I did learn a lot from this article. we should stay the way we are because i think it can be fun sometimes to have some conflict because then you would be like little robots and be like the Stepford wives... i think we should be more like The first wives club...!
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Permalink Reply by Crystal on -
It's kind of funny, but I seem to date more men that would fit more into the woman category except for #4. Corrina's mother is right on with the 2 head thing.
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Permalink Reply by Emina on -
I think there's a man trapped inside me :)))) I like all 4 ideas.. and it seems like I always attract the type of guys who are so freakin complex it makes me sick.. who always want to analyse their feelings, and my feelings and talk about my past, and their past and I just can't stand it.. I don't see the point talking about our feelings over and over again, it's obvious.. I see it and I sense it.. I don't have to be told all the time that I'm loved and besides if you hear it too often and say it all the time, I think it loses its true value! And I can't stand it, if they keep dwelling on an issue after we've discussed it once that should be enough! I'm all about being spontaneous :) just go with the flow.. Of course you talk about what you want out of life, and what your goals or ideas are, and if you're going in the same direction.. just relax :) If it's meant to be, everything else will fall into place.. :)
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Permalink Reply by Allissa on
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I think women should reveal their feelings to an exstent,, Not ( do you really love me, or any crazy stuff like that) if a girl says that then shes insucure about her own feelings tword him in opinion. I am guilty of bringing old stuff up when arguing, i dont mean too, its just what i want to know, i get straight to the point and i don't mess around with his feelings. i just tell him. I deff agree with #4 whats love with out it being spontaneous!
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Permalink Reply by Efsun on -
Well, then what is left to be "me"?
Will he accept to "love like a woman" once in a while? (Because that would be awesome.)
It's nice to understand each other and to develop ways to adapt somehow... But I wouldn't lift a finger unless I see him try to understand me.
And if I don't see any efforts on his side, I'm within my rights to keep #1 and #2 reserved - to myself!
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