The community based on the iPersonic personality test.

How Does Trauma Affect You?

I have one most hated experience which I keep facing since I was a child until now. It can't be stopped. I think it has become a cycle now. And I can't get used to it. Everytime it happens, I just have to face it and try to heal it for the moment and expect that it will, soon or late, happen again. It's an inevitable circumstance that keeps coming back. It's the worst experience inside your home. The more I'm exposed to it, the deeper the trauma digs in. And one thing's for sure with me - because of that, I become numb. I don't feel pity anymore. Instead, I give the look that says, "somebody is to be blamed" or "have to suffer the consequence, like it or not". I don't give comforting words anymore. Rather, I justify their actions making them feel blamed.

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Permalink Reply by shesbreathing on February 2, 2009 at 1:10pm: Hello Ben!

You're right. It's been quite a while since we've last exchanged opinions and conversations.
Hmm. That matter is quite personal for me. I hope you will understand if I say that if I retell it, the trauma will surface again and I hate remembering it in details.

Still, I'm fine ben. I can still manage to be sane. I have been through this since I was a little girl so I guess being a veteran ;) of this trouble keeps me up.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by silver on February 5, 2009 at 3:33am: Every person faces trauma differently. I think I did quite understand what you are trying to say here though I won't tell you what your problem is because it is not really my business. Though sometimes the "trauma" that we are experiencing is our trial in life; a test. Every time we have this "test", we need to answer it differently, especially if we are growing up and becoming more matured than the past years. Getting out of the box sometimes can be hard but we have to accept the fact that we need help from other people and as well as from God. :); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by shesbreathing on February 5, 2009 at 4:16am: It is bound in our Filipino culture and strong faith in God that every negative things that happen to us, we accept them as part of our trials. In a faithful sense, I do accept it as one. But, in a logical sense, that trauma is actually a consequence of someone's (a family member) wrong decisions in the past. I have no other choice than to face it since I am part of the family. Leaving my family just to escape the trouble makes me undignified and unrest.

Thanks for the reply silver.;); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Felicitas Heyne on February 6, 2009 at 10:37am: Hi kring_girl,

I don't like the sentences "it can't be stopped" and "it's an inevitable circumstance that keeps coming back." Frankly, I do believe in very few really inevitable circumstances, sure, death is one of them, but I think almost any other circumstances CAN be changed. Of course, it takes a lot of strength and sometimes sacrifices, too, but change is possible!

The question is about your priorities, I'd say: what is more important to you, your personal mental and physical sanity or your family? Maybe I got it wrong, but your last comment sounds to me as if it was a decision between being a loyal family member or being sound and safe. I think that's one of the worst decisions one can be forced to make - and I know what I'm talking about, believe me! - but from my own experience I know that sometimes you have no choice, you must make this decision. And I would really, really wish you to find the strength in yourself to be more loyal to yourself than to your family ...

All the best, Felicitas; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by shesbreathing on February 6, 2009 at 11:31am: Hello Fe,

You actually hit my dilemma perfectly ;) I'd still believe that this "traumatizing trouble" CAN be stopped in most homes, excluding my family. Haha. You might be thinking I have gone to the maximum pessimism over this issue. I guess I have. I have lost hope for this. More or less, I have been in this same cycling situation inside my home since I was 5 yrs old. That was my first witness.(God, I'm still stunned to realize it was this long already) I'd always hoped and prayed for this to end. It ended several times but it always surface again. Sometimes, I'd laugh at the thought of it being like "day and night", always following each other. That's why I call it a cycle because I have noticed that this happens following the same trend. It starts with a little spark, then the fire, then destruction, then the "calming down", then back to normal when hope only settle. But, even hope vanishes after some while because the trouble comes up again. It really is tiring. Honestly, I have summoned up all my optimism to help me keep the hope back. But it is useless. What is there for me to do? Stop it, again, over and over even if it is always useless and I feel like I'm an idiot already? Trying to fix perfectly what can't be? I might be able to fix it if it's myself, if the problem comes from ME. But the problem is, IT IS NOT ME. I don't have the power to stop it. I can only help get it back to normal to the soonest possible time.

I have actually thought of protecting myself, saving myself many times and several times. I think I can do that without my heart. But to see the people, who are also victims, behind me, I can't step away. They need me more. Somehow, I'm still glad to know that they find their strength and hope in me unknowing that I've ran out mine. I guess now it becomes like this: They're clinging to me just as I'm clinging to them. They just don't know that part of me.

I still have the strength actually. But it's the strength not to STOP it but to CALM it. Funnily, I guess I'll be putting this trouble to the hands of the MOST inevitable circumstance to take care of this, completely stopping this in due time. But I promise myself to stay alive, safe and sound, and the other significant ones, until the end. That might be the hardest but I'd make it possible. Do you think I have the chance? How big is it?

Thank you for your time Fe. :); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Felicitas Heyne on February 6, 2009 at 12:02pm: The question is: when will it end prospectively? Is there kind of a "natural" end to be expected in a certain time? Or is this "system" able to replicate itself again and again? What I mean is: will it come to an end one day when all the "main actors" will be dead - or will this pattern simply "switch" to other ones, just like the same old play can be restarted with new actors as often as you want? And even if there is something like a natural end to be expected - how long will it probably take? What's the time line and are you sure that your strength will last long enough to reach it?

I'd like you to think about the following szenario: Supposed that I was a witch and I could cast a spell on you, transferring you right away from all this into a much happier situation, leaving your family without you - no trace, no idea where you went. They have to go on without you (to do their next performance of their well-known and beloved play without one of the main actors, the "calmer", so to say). Certainly, they will go on - but what would be different? Who would take over part of your role? Who would maybe even change a bit of the drama, to adapt it to the new situation, and what would this be like? Who would suffer more, who less? Who would have to re-think what he/she usually does? Who from the - so far - spectators of the show (the neighbours, the more distant relatives, the friends of the family and so on) would leave his/her seat and jump on the stage sooner or later?; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by shesbreathing on February 6, 2009 at 3:10pm: [when will it end prospectively? Is there kind of a "natural" end to be expected in a certain time? Or is this "system" able to replicate itself again and again?]

Glad to say that the villain here is negligently putting his self to his own deathbed, soon. How soon? Unpredictable but it's for sure. So, I think that makes the "natural" end to be expected, though, not in a certain time, but soon. Maybe the follow-up question is "Can I expect what's his next move? If not, do I have the strength to calm him like the way I used to do?, or STOP him in the best possible way, which could be most likely worst, when an emergency calls for it?"

I have seen him in his worst over and over. His dominant behavior is the same but I suspected something's building up in his emotions (growing frustration, I guess) that can be threatening if hit- that's when the most dangerous thing can happen. My current remedy for him is to keep reminding him of it with my most comforting words and try to keep him in his sound mind too. Never to give him a chance to break the harmony of his mind. Yet, I can't help doubting if he can keep this up forever. I'm not in total control of his mind and he won't let anybody to control him. Just guide him. I want to trust but I can't make it to the fullest. Just in case, he'd break out and it would happen again, I guess I shall be applying the same role that was my expertise -calming him down. What if this time, my life will be put on the verge of danger, no chance of escaping again, what will I do? Accept the fate as it's part of my role? If I'll run away and save myself before it could happen to me, can I take the burden of leaving the others? Certainly, They can't leave him because he's a family. They may have lost the hope but not the love (you may call it stupid love). He will always be the same good man they've known when he's in his sound mind.

Besides, nobody can take my place when I leave. If I'll leave, I might lost them ALL. I wouldn't certainly want that but, can I sacrifice myself for them? I'd want to but I'm not sure.

There are so many questions that are following on every thought of possible solutions or actions. And they are all hard to answer that until now i can't fully rest on a fix decision. A part of me clamor for the way out while the other holds me back.; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by Crystal on February 8, 2009 at 2:25am: Try to remember that you are not alone.
Any decision you make in this situation will definitely be a hard one and you will never fully know without a doubt whether you made the best decision.
Sometimes the best way to stop something is to remove yourself from the situation enabling you to bring help back for the others and sometime it's best to stay to protect the others.
The only way to make a change is to stand up for yourself and others. If you do nothing, it will continue to be a viscous cycle.
I was in a very abusive relationship.
I became very hard hearted, unable to cry or have any emotions.
It is hard to move on from, stay strong, protect and defend your lives with everything you have.
It took a few years and a lot of love from friends to become myself again.
Now, I am able to use my experiences to help others with similar problems.
Maybe one day you will be the one to change your country for the rights of women and children.
I'm an American woman, I have my freedoms and equality thanks women standing up for our rights. It is a continuous battle.
Never give up.
You are a strong young woman, stay strong, never quit, you are not alone.
Maybe these sites will help:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/child_abuse_physical_emotional_sexu...
http://famli.blogspot.com/2006/06/hope-and-help-for-battered-woman-...
http://www.hg.org/law-firms/Sexual-Abuse/Philippines.html
http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-online-hotline

I am here:
www.myspace.com/crystalwhite81; ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by shesbreathing on February 8, 2009 at 5:34am: Thank you crystal. I surely won't give up. The world around me keep me sane. The situation helps me to reach out and open my world to other things. I'm not going to be alone and I'll make sure I'll make it till the end. I always carry my faith with me. :); ▶ Reply to This

Permalink Reply by shesbreathing on February 11, 2009 at 5:33am: Thank you Ben!

Remember, we have the Filipino spirit. It runs in our blood.

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