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Couples with big age difference - does it work?
I've been thinking about this topic quite often as my own father was 20 years older than my mom and my father-in-law was 10 years younger than my mother-in-law. For these two couples, I can tell that it did work out, but I don't think that is always the case.
Surely, opposites attract, and two people who are of very different age certainly differ in lots of other aspects as well. Those relationships often seem to be especially intense, because the younger partner is fascinated by the charisma and the maturity of the older one whilst the older is motivated to keep up with the younger one in every respect and therefore invests a lot to stay in best shape - physically and mentally. Of course, he or she shouldn't exaggerate - 60- or 70-year-olds wearing hot pants or driving Porsche Cabrio are sometimes the results of a rather desperate striving for youth. And let's not forget those ladies who can't move a single facial muscle any more due to a botox overload ...
In most of the cases, the situation causes some stress for the older partner from a certain point on: What if he or she leaves me because she or he thinks I'm too old for him or her? Or if he or she gets bored or we cannot make up our differing expectations? Let's say a 20-year-old woman lives together with a 45-year-old man: will they have the same ideas about their roles in partnership, as parents, as individuals? And what about differing interests? While she is just about to start a carreer, to have fun with friends, travel and find out everything she wants about the world, he is maybe at the point where he wants to slow down a bit, have a family, settle down? I suppose all this will take a lot of talking and mutual respect and understanding ...
By the way: my parents had some differing interests to sort out when I showed up, I can tell you. When I was born, my mother was 42, my father 62 years old - not really the age of starting over again with sleepless nights, pampers and kindergarden stuff for most of the men. Lucky me: my father welcomed this challenge, so I didn't end up among the clinical waste but profited a lot from a dad who spend much more time and energy on me than the young and ambitious daddys of my friends. But I often wondered later on, whether he worried a lot about this surprise package he had received? He couldn't know by then that he would stay sound and mentally alert until his 92th birthday, so did he maybe sometimes lay awake at night wondering whether he would see me grow up? Or whether he would be able to face all the challenges coming up now once again: illnesses, school problems, the "Daddy, may I have a dog-cat-horse-motocycle?"-questions, first lovesickness ...? My mom, though, was never worried about all this - of course not, she was only 42, an age when not few women today give birth to their very first child (and I was her third one).
One of the problems, I think, may also be to deal with each other at eye level. The older one, so mature, so experienced might easily be tempted to play the know-it-all part and treat the younger one more like a child than a partner. Usually, he or she does so for the best - because he or she wants to protect and guide the younger one and spare him or her some harm or trouble. However, this often creates problems of a different kind, as the younger one may feel suppressed or domineered.
What do you think about this subject? Do you know such couples and how do you feel about them? Maybe you have or had once a relationship with a much younger or older partner. If so - what would you say were advantages or disadvantages, joys and frustrations?
Surely, opposites attract, and two people who are of very different age certainly differ in lots of other aspects as well. Those relationships often seem to be especially intense, because the younger partner is fascinated by the charisma and the maturity of the older one whilst the older is motivated to keep up with the younger one in every respect and therefore invests a lot to stay in best shape - physically and mentally. Of course, he or she shouldn't exaggerate - 60- or 70-year-olds wearing hot pants or driving Porsche Cabrio are sometimes the results of a rather desperate striving for youth. And let's not forget those ladies who can't move a single facial muscle any more due to a botox overload ...
In most of the cases, the situation causes some stress for the older partner from a certain point on: What if he or she leaves me because she or he thinks I'm too old for him or her? Or if he or she gets bored or we cannot make up our differing expectations? Let's say a 20-year-old woman lives together with a 45-year-old man: will they have the same ideas about their roles in partnership, as parents, as individuals? And what about differing interests? While she is just about to start a carreer, to have fun with friends, travel and find out everything she wants about the world, he is maybe at the point where he wants to slow down a bit, have a family, settle down? I suppose all this will take a lot of talking and mutual respect and understanding ...
By the way: my parents had some differing interests to sort out when I showed up, I can tell you. When I was born, my mother was 42, my father 62 years old - not really the age of starting over again with sleepless nights, pampers and kindergarden stuff for most of the men. Lucky me: my father welcomed this challenge, so I didn't end up among the clinical waste but profited a lot from a dad who spend much more time and energy on me than the young and ambitious daddys of my friends. But I often wondered later on, whether he worried a lot about this surprise package he had received? He couldn't know by then that he would stay sound and mentally alert until his 92th birthday, so did he maybe sometimes lay awake at night wondering whether he would see me grow up? Or whether he would be able to face all the challenges coming up now once again: illnesses, school problems, the "Daddy, may I have a dog-cat-horse-motocycle?"-questions, first lovesickness ...? My mom, though, was never worried about all this - of course not, she was only 42, an age when not few women today give birth to their very first child (and I was her third one).
One of the problems, I think, may also be to deal with each other at eye level. The older one, so mature, so experienced might easily be tempted to play the know-it-all part and treat the younger one more like a child than a partner. Usually, he or she does so for the best - because he or she wants to protect and guide the younger one and spare him or her some harm or trouble. However, this often creates problems of a different kind, as the younger one may feel suppressed or domineered.
What do you think about this subject? Do you know such couples and how do you feel about them? Maybe you have or had once a relationship with a much younger or older partner. If so - what would you say were advantages or disadvantages, joys and frustrations?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kaboom! on -
I was married to a man almost 30 years my senior...he was a wonderful person and we were together for many years.
He was more than able to keep up with me...however he suddenly became ill and when we finally found out he had advanced cancer, it was untreatable.
Did he worry about me finding another man or getting bored...yes.
But for the most part we rarely thought about age.
I am now with a man 16 years older than I ...he also has a few worries at times? I don't know what to tell people in this situation...trust your partner...or don't...it is your own perception.
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Permalink Reply by Corrina on -
I have started dating again and this time with a man 19 years older than me. He has the same little worries sometimes, about the normal age things but it's never been a proble. We addressed them early on and are done with them.
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Permalink Reply by LUIS on -
Hello, my dads have the same age and between my wife and I there is a difference of three years, she is mas young that I.
Regards
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Permalink Reply by John Bauer on
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I am in a relation ship with a 17 gap. I think the sucsess of any relationship is intellegance. not talking monkey do your books accountant type intellegance, empathy and knowing when to glide away from empatheitic stances. most people strugle to feel and always strive and miss, but there is a wunderfull space of choosing away from empathy in the favour of progress.
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Permalink Reply by Kimberly on -
My husband is fourteen years my senior and we get along wonderfully. In fact, before we married I wouldn't date anyone under the age of fifty. Older men are more mature, respectful and logical than younger men (typically) and those are the main qualities I look for in a person.
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Permalink Reply by Remiel Meshullam on -
Most of the discussions I've read about are women relaying their relationship experiences, whether the men were older or younger. I'm curious to hear of things from the male perspective. (1) Does the once carefree, fun and energetic older woman suddenly morph into mom? (2) Did you go from a 20 something year old male who wanted to be/appear more mature to a 30 something year old mature male who desired act like a 30 something male, but stuck in a relationship where you feel forced to maintain a 40 something facade or else? (3) Are you stuck with an older woman clinging on to an image of herself that past decades ago? There you are, a nice 30 something exec, at the yearly company Christmas party in nice adult male attire forced to have a 40 something wife by your side sporting a mini and barely recognizable tattoo? (4) Does the once suprisingly mature younger woman suddenly begin displaying characterics of her own age group? (5) Does the younger woman who said age doesn't matter ever change later and say "oops, it does matter now - sorry I made a mistake", causing you to lose the 10 years of eligibility you had left?
It's been said that the quickest path to separation in these situations is for the older partner to take on the role of parent to the younger partner, no matter how lovingly it is done. How do handle going through a situation where you know the outcome, but need to allow the younger partner experience making the wrong decision? What if the situation or your age does not permit "Do overs" but the younger partner just can't see the light yet?
Where are the men out there?
~rm
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Permalink Reply by Matt K on
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Me and my significant other are 25 years apart. Most of what is being stated here definitely is true. She is the love of my life, but sometimes I see that there are other underlying issues that have not been mentioned yet:
- Divorce - My significant other has just been released from her second, yes I said 2nd divorce and in each she had mothered a child. Both of her ex's were no help to her, so she still carries the role of mother to her 11 & 18 year old very true to her name. It hasnt been talked about that sometimes here there is a fluster going on in my head as to why these other two men still somehow exist in her life and yet, they are out of her hair. I know exactly why, but I struggle to see it clearly because they will always be apart of her life and now mine. It leaves me with a sense of vulnerability and sometimes I feel neglected and pushed aside.
- Children from prior marraiges - With her two daughters who I can honestly say, respect me and care about me still somehow gentle touch my nerves. I love them just as much as she does, but again, there sometimes I feel like I am just one of her children or that she puts them first. This trickles down as well to not feeling like we are able to have our peace and quite together with work in the mix.
- With me the Fornication or "making love" can stand to be a minut issue as well to an extent. With me only just graduation college and having a lot of energy, I due struggle with this too. Sometimes its tough because, she is so worn out (age difference matter) that sleep seems more important than simply just talking or making love once in a while. This can be a hot or cold issue too. I dont think that being in your "prime" really takes this into account either. She tells me that everything between us has been the best ever, but sometimes I just dont see it. The passion seems there somewhere, but from her bumps and scars from prior relationships, sometimes I think its a mode killer. This may not be true, but then I have my doubts too when she says this and both of her prior marraiges last 10-11 years "each". I know this isnt all that relationships are about, but to an extent this needs to be confronted and its tough for me to see the light when she insist that she hasnt loved anybody as much as me.
I must say though that the way that I have found to overcome the mindset sometimes of that she treats me like her kids is to take a stand or the initiative in many situations to make potential things happen unexpectedly. This has really driven me down a new path of how we compliment each other so well too. So the benefit of this is that, if you are willing to take the time and really respect what your partner says, taking the age difference out of the picture, then many of these once hard situations really become quite simplistic.
We have came to the point where we are able to synchronize with each other and do most things that we do together. So keeping involved really makes everything better and funner to do, even if its not the greatest thing to do. The age does set some limitations and boundaries, but if anyone can just open their eyes to whats inside, then the power from under the skin overrides everything else.
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Permalink Reply by Thassan on
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I was in a relationship with a man for a year, he was 20 years older than i am, He and i got along very well and was very sexuall as-well. but the relationship didn't work out. I'm looking for an older man for now, but younger men are more attracted to me than older guys. Lol
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Permalink Reply by ♥ Sabine ♥ on -
Age doesn't really matter.what matter is are your life style's compatible and will they be compatible in years to come.
Example: My Aunt married a guy 10 years younger than hear.besides the fact that his immature attitude would irritate her at times.she turn 45 and started going through menopause and had no libdo.well her husband wanted sex all the time of course he was 35 and this caused them to fight constantly and eventually the got divorced.
The same thing is happening to a close friend of mine at the present time and she regrets getting involved with a younger guy.
On the other hand I have always dated men/woman who are between 7 to 10 years older than I and I get along with them perfectly fine.
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