The community based on the iPersonic personality test.
Couples with big age difference - does it work?
I've been thinking about this topic quite often as my own father was 20 years older than my mom and my father-in-law was 10 years younger than my mother-in-law. For these two couples, I can tell that it did work out, but I don't think that is always the case.
Surely, opposites attract, and two people who are of very different age certainly differ in lots of other aspects as well. Those relationships often seem to be especially intense, because the younger partner is fascinated by the charisma and the maturity of the older one whilst the older is motivated to keep up with the younger one in every respect and therefore invests a lot to stay in best shape - physically and mentally. Of course, he or she shouldn't exaggerate - 60- or 70-year-olds wearing hot pants or driving Porsche Cabrio are sometimes the results of a rather desperate striving for youth. And let's not forget those ladies who can't move a single facial muscle any more due to a botox overload ...
In most of the cases, the situation causes some stress for the older partner from a certain point on: What if he or she leaves me because she or he thinks I'm too old for him or her? Or if he or she gets bored or we cannot make up our differing expectations? Let's say a 20-year-old woman lives together with a 45-year-old man: will they have the same ideas about their roles in partnership, as parents, as individuals? And what about differing interests? While she is just about to start a carreer, to have fun with friends, travel and find out everything she wants about the world, he is maybe at the point where he wants to slow down a bit, have a family, settle down? I suppose all this will take a lot of talking and mutual respect and understanding ...
By the way: my parents had some differing interests to sort out when I showed up, I can tell you. When I was born, my mother was 42, my father 62 years old - not really the age of starting over again with sleepless nights, pampers and kindergarden stuff for most of the men. Lucky me: my father welcomed this challenge, so I didn't end up among the clinical waste but profited a lot from a dad who spend much more time and energy on me than the young and ambitious daddys of my friends. But I often wondered later on, whether he worried a lot about this surprise package he had received? He couldn't know by then that he would stay sound and mentally alert until his 92th birthday, so did he maybe sometimes lay awake at night wondering whether he would see me grow up? Or whether he would be able to face all the challenges coming up now once again: illnesses, school problems, the "Daddy, may I have a dog-cat-horse-motocycle?"-questions, first lovesickness ...? My mom, though, was never worried about all this - of course not, she was only 42, an age when not few women today give birth to their very first child (and I was her third one).
One of the problems, I think, may also be to deal with each other at eye level. The older one, so mature, so experienced might easily be tempted to play the know-it-all part and treat the younger one more like a child than a partner. Usually, he or she does so for the best - because he or she wants to protect and guide the younger one and spare him or her some harm or trouble. However, this often creates problems of a different kind, as the younger one may feel suppressed or domineered.
What do you think about this subject? Do you know such couples and how do you feel about them? Maybe you have or had once a relationship with a much younger or older partner. If so - what would you say were advantages or disadvantages, joys and frustrations?
Surely, opposites attract, and two people who are of very different age certainly differ in lots of other aspects as well. Those relationships often seem to be especially intense, because the younger partner is fascinated by the charisma and the maturity of the older one whilst the older is motivated to keep up with the younger one in every respect and therefore invests a lot to stay in best shape - physically and mentally. Of course, he or she shouldn't exaggerate - 60- or 70-year-olds wearing hot pants or driving Porsche Cabrio are sometimes the results of a rather desperate striving for youth. And let's not forget those ladies who can't move a single facial muscle any more due to a botox overload ...
In most of the cases, the situation causes some stress for the older partner from a certain point on: What if he or she leaves me because she or he thinks I'm too old for him or her? Or if he or she gets bored or we cannot make up our differing expectations? Let's say a 20-year-old woman lives together with a 45-year-old man: will they have the same ideas about their roles in partnership, as parents, as individuals? And what about differing interests? While she is just about to start a carreer, to have fun with friends, travel and find out everything she wants about the world, he is maybe at the point where he wants to slow down a bit, have a family, settle down? I suppose all this will take a lot of talking and mutual respect and understanding ...
By the way: my parents had some differing interests to sort out when I showed up, I can tell you. When I was born, my mother was 42, my father 62 years old - not really the age of starting over again with sleepless nights, pampers and kindergarden stuff for most of the men. Lucky me: my father welcomed this challenge, so I didn't end up among the clinical waste but profited a lot from a dad who spend much more time and energy on me than the young and ambitious daddys of my friends. But I often wondered later on, whether he worried a lot about this surprise package he had received? He couldn't know by then that he would stay sound and mentally alert until his 92th birthday, so did he maybe sometimes lay awake at night wondering whether he would see me grow up? Or whether he would be able to face all the challenges coming up now once again: illnesses, school problems, the "Daddy, may I have a dog-cat-horse-motocycle?"-questions, first lovesickness ...? My mom, though, was never worried about all this - of course not, she was only 42, an age when not few women today give birth to their very first child (and I was her third one).
One of the problems, I think, may also be to deal with each other at eye level. The older one, so mature, so experienced might easily be tempted to play the know-it-all part and treat the younger one more like a child than a partner. Usually, he or she does so for the best - because he or she wants to protect and guide the younger one and spare him or her some harm or trouble. However, this often creates problems of a different kind, as the younger one may feel suppressed or domineered.
What do you think about this subject? Do you know such couples and how do you feel about them? Maybe you have or had once a relationship with a much younger or older partner. If so - what would you say were advantages or disadvantages, joys and frustrations?
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Jennifer on -
Actually, my mum is fourteen years older than her partner. She's thirty nine and he's twenty five. They've been together for nearly two years now and intend to remain together for the rest of their lives. So far it's been fairly smooth sailing. I know that my mum definitely worries about her age though. They're hoping to have a child sometime in the near future and she's very worried about being too old for the kid, or becoming too old for her partner. I often have to remind her that there are plenty of women who have children after they've turned forty. Really, being in her very early twenties when she had me and my sister, my mum was a quite young mother back then.
At any rate, as a couple they seem to do really well. They both want the same and are working towards the same things, and any inevitable age difference troubles that arise (that I know of, such as my mum being more wisened than her partner) are quickly overcome. I think one of the hardest parts of their relationship is actually more about how other people react to it. For some reason a relationship in which the man is older and the woman is younger (unless she is in her teen years) is more widely accepted than the other way around. The 'toy-boy' jokes are a frequent fear for my mother when she's socalising with women her age, and she often has trouble explaining the situation to others, especially as she and her partner originally met online (he's Dutch, but came to live with us once he and she got together) which is also still considered a strange way of going about things by some people.
I think that it's entirely down to the individuals involved as to whether a relationship with a large age gap can work or not, and whether they both want the same things out of their partnership. If one is still looking to persue more youthful activities whilst the other wants to slow down, then there's inevitably going to be some conflict. Still, this sort of applies to every romantic relationship, age gap or no. You've both got to want the same kind of life/future together else you're going to end up going in different directions and the relationship isn't likely to last.
-
Permalink Reply by Spiritual_Harmony on -
Well, I am married to a man who is 14 years older, I am 28 (soon 29) and he is 43. We have been married for the past 7 years and it has worked out all right. It doesn't mean we have never had any arguments or never had any fights, of course we have had some of that, but, the age thing has never been a problem to us! The only thing that is different is that my husband has seen and done it all, while I haven't, but, that is fine by me, because I am not the kind of person who wants to go to clubs and get super drunk and stuff like that, which is what he has done in his younger days. He's told me all about that, and honestly, it did not sound as fun as it seemed to him at the time! :-P
We are very much alike, in a lot of ways. We are both interested in books and reading and learning more, but we are also different as night and day, he is the outgoing, social type, and I am the shy, quiet type. However, I have to say in my defense, I do talk a lot when I am around friends and when I feel that I am comfortable. I've often asked him why he chose me, when he could have chosen another person, or fallen for someone else, but he's told me that while there are other women out there, I am the only one he wants, and he chose me for my brain, and because we had good discussions and had a lot in common.
So yeah, I think it is possible to work out such a relationship, but of course each relationship has its ups and downs, normally, and that doesn't matter if there is an age difference or not. I'd say, just be patient with each other and never lose focus of why you love each other in the first place.
-
Permalink Reply by L.A. on -
but.. it still depends on the person, because every single individual that God created is different from the other and you can never replace that void left by that person no matter who you are. so basically my verdict is that it depends but 60% of the time it doest work because of the maturity of the other. ahhh I'm confused. I'm just 17 I should'nt really answer such questions yet..haha
-
Permalink Reply by Victoria on -
Ahh, interesting. My mum divorced from my dad about six years ago, I believe. She remarried when she was 29 to a man that was fourteen years older than her, and they have been married for ten years if I am not mistaken. I consider my step-father as an actual father, and he treats me like his own daughter.
I have an aunt who married an old, old French man; she is in her 40s, and the last time I saw the old man, he was in his 80's, in a wheel chair. They have two children -- 16, and 11 years old. And the man is still alive, at least I think so. There are more couples with a great age difference that I know of, since most of them are in my family, and more others who I am acquainted with.
What I can say is that they are all happy though. I know my mum is. The oldest guy I have been with was nineteen. Whether that was legal or not, I didn't care. All I knew is that I was happy to be with a fantastic, intelligent British guy that was active in politics, and had a siege in the British parliament. The thing is that, for my age and the type of person that I am, it's difficult to relate to anyone around my age. I loved that he was mature yet he could make me laugh still. I love politics, and History, and he knew what he was talking about. What I didn't like is that he made promises, he didn't make much, but he made ones that freaked me out a little. And although he was very busy with work, he still devoted, and conserved a lot of time for me. I appreciate, but he did it too much. I don't remember many of the 'frustrations', but I know there are few more details.
I think the deal with the couples with big age differences is that the younger person in the relationship (giving example of the case of my parents and many others') will have to deal with the forthcoming death of their beloved, and they will eventually become widows at an early age. My mum for instance is very worried about the health of my step-father -- she has two children, me and my brother (five years old), and she fears about our future, even though I may already have a job once he is dead.
All I can say is, and as cliche as it may sound, love has nothing to do with age, race, and/or etc. To many it matters, but they don't have a right to say anything or criticize until they have experienced it. I, for one, do not care.When you hear that your other half is half your age or more, you may be repulsed, but what the hell, if you're happy then you're happy. If the old man is rich, and you love rich men/women, and if you're happy with it, fine. I don't believe in age barriers, now, yes, there are pedophiles, but don't call someone one when they aren't.
-
Permalink Reply by April on -
Hm, my father is 21 years older than my mom. They are divorced, have been for 11 years. My dad was 46 when I was born, my mom was 25. They were only married about 12 years before they separated. Now they remain friendly, and my mom has remarried (this time she is only two years older than her spouse). As a couple, they just could not cope. But they work well together in dealing with matters regarding my siblings and myself.
I think it depends on the individual people, and what they both want from life and each other at that point in time. I do also think that it is important for each person to treat the other as an equal, not as any "less" (like a child, for example).
-
Permalink Reply by Nelson on -
I think it works! I myself was married to a much younger with big difference at age but since I was Older than my wife I should have more patience, Love and Understanding inorder for the relationship to work. In fact LOVE is the willingness to share oneself for the purpose of nurturing one's own or anothers personal growth! So for me it can really work!
-
Permalink Reply by Saint on
-
People have to go in all relationships already having a relationship with themselves, I think it is assumed that the younger you are, the less likely that is to happen - which isn't necessarily true. Relationships are merely another level of growth, if people are ready to grow together, an age difference isn't as much of a big deal for any gender as it is sometimes made out to be. It's when people are either closed off to themselves, or using relationships to make up for a conceived lack that problems arise.
Just a thought. :)
-
Permalink Reply by Freya on -
Huh. I couldn't have put it better myself! I completely agree, kudos to you sir.
-
Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on -
What an interesting question to pose Felicitas...
Many people may rush to defend their love for each other and certainly are capable of complete compatability with an age difference of a decade or more. However, each portrait is different for each couple. One has to consider the various considerations of cultures, demographics, oldest child versus youngest child, values and principles etc. Society generally frowns upon more than a decade of difference. But, as some others have responded, who best to decide your maturity level than you?
From experience, in my early thirties, I have had two different relationships where there was more than a decade between us. (one for one year-11years older and one for two years-12 years older) In the early dating ritual, it was fabulous to connect with maturity that matched my own, or so I felt. However, as the relationship progressed, the more we realized our values from our generational upbringing began to collide rather than combine. Other things contributed to a lack of further connecting as well. Such as, energy levels, appreciation of music, child rearing attitudes, just to name a few.
Now, one could argue that it was simply not a match, and I would probably be persuaded to agree. I'm very open minded and flexible, which is why I tried it twice, LOL!! Nevertheless, it was challenging in both situations to have an appreciation for each other's decade of difference. He got to participate in one of the most emotional revolutionary decades of this century, and my generation was born into it. Yes, attitudes change over the years, however, the list could go on and on with as many positives, as well as, negatives in this case.
It's is still fascinating to discuss, each of us has such a unique opinion to share.
-
Permalink Reply by Corrina on -
There was 30 years between my boyfriend and me. Sadly, he passed away in June but we had shared every moment of life for the 2 years before that. When I met Randy I had given up on relationships. I was to the point I almost really hated men. I can't tell you what made me give love 1 more try. I don't know but what I do know is that Randy taught me to learn to love again. Although there was 30 years between us we never fought and we had a blast. We both walked into this relationship with scars from past relationship and we vowed to each other to not make the same mistakes we had made in the past. Does that mean we agreed all the time? No, but we would sit down and talk it out. We knew when to give the other the space they needed and we knew when something was wrong. A year and a half after we started dating Randy asked me to marry him. lol I told him no but he didn't give up. Four months later and having asked 2 more times I said yes. Sadly, we never made it. It broke my heart when I lost Randy but even in death he had taught me to live again. And for that, I will always love him. So, can relationships with age gaps work? Yes. I'm living proof of that. However, both must want it to work like they would want it to work with someone their own age. Love, caring, friendship none of these things recognize age. And a person should never short themselves any of these things because of age. All you're doing is cheating yourself out of some of the best things in life.
Welcome to
iPersonic Community
About
Welcome to iPersonic!
With iPersonic you can find like-minded people all over the world. Just take the free personality test!
Felicitas Blog
© 2009 Created by Marcel Heyne on Ning. Create a Ning Network!
